Begining of the Story "Entropy & Winter" [012402]

[authors note [030206]: I realize now that this was entered a day or two before my marathon writing session which produced “Entropy & Winter” which is currently one of my favorite pieces of my work. The “sex” scene about 12 pages from the end in which the main character returns Maynard to his genisis state of unmaking just gives me the tingles every time. I loved writing that story. I loved reading it for the first time. I love re-reading it. Must be one of my good ones!]

1/24/2002 1:36:12 PM

There is more inside me. I met with Pete Oldham today and we discussed the “Separation Agreement” with Brouse. He’s going to make some phone calls and see if we can get the terms extended. He say’s it’s a gamble, but it is one that I’m going to have to take. The agreement letter was something I’d sign away all my rights to anything forever. I’m not willing to do that for such a piddly amount. Maybe there is a method of soft gentle persuasion that could appeal to humanity. Such soft grace is not something I’m granted. My “subtle inference” usually involves a hammer and a blowtorch. I stood fearfully on the precipice of “what should I do.” And said the Serenity Prayer. “Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” There was no serenity in accepting what was offered. So I hope that having the courage to change it will benefit me. My next entry may indicate that I have more need to have the “wisdom to know the difference.”

1/24/2002 1:41:48 PM

Outline for the story.
Three layers
Primordial – essence.
Life events
Dreams – Ethereal reflections

Characters
· Verbena Fire Assassin. Isolated. Slightly a skewed. Never quite fitting in. Attractive, yet scruffy. Slightly inapproachable. Never fully trusts anything, including herself.
· Mentor – Hardly ever there. Knowledable but worn thin. Able to plug into the oracles, but to scattered to receive full or timely messages from them. Lacks the punctual memory to state important things
· Set – Lover/Brother. Familiar. Sad and melancholy. The fire has burned past its apex point and now is returning to cinders. Smoldering, but impotent to flares and surges in the heat it once held. Verbena returns to Set often, for reflection and camaraderie. They both know passion and the distance it sets them apart from the rest of the world. They are both lonely creatures that have accepted the dharma of their existence.
· Mother Lilith. Creation of of Nothingness. Ability to teach survival skills. No warmth. No compassion. She’s had no time for such things. She loves her daughter, but knows that harsh reality is the best fortifier.
· Morpheous. Dream. Opiate.
· Maynard. Mage orator. Red. Elitism. Enjoys but will never accept Verbena as an equal. He is a privileged bon vivant. She a scrubwoman in the elite majick circles. Yes, she has power. That raw, electric power of unbridled majick and rage. She burns and is sexual and that entertains Maynard. But he knows…he is refined. He enjoys her singe, but will outlast her roughness.

Story:
This story tells the experience of Verbena, the main character, who has an inherent talent for majick. She burns with fire and passion which is misplaced and exploited. She finds some mentors, who are too far into the aethyr to be really helpful (think heroin addict with a touch of genius) and to past their prime to really hone her edge. She loses herself with Qlippothic Majick and must walk the “shell path.” To ascension. She had Set, who walks a similar path who is like her brother, and Lilith who is her harsh mother who teaches her survival, but not kindness. She is pursued by Maynard who has the talent, looks and gift to be a compatible mage, but who believes he is blessed by birthright as a superior being to her earth-like raw sexuality and power. (Think Hierophant)

Along the way there is the aligning of forces set to destroy Verbena and majick, as well as the mundane world she lives in, but doesn’t participate . She must learn how to protect herself, her powers and her loves to burn brightly.

Brady’s – Unemployment [012202]

1/22/2002 10:15:09 AM

Sitting at Brady’s, trying to figure out what the next phase of the game is. I know that going back to corporate America would be only a temporary solution. The chronic itching has begun and I have to stay focused to know that this is only the first gentle window of opportunity that my higher power has provided to me to get off my lazy, corn-fed ass and GET MOVING. DO SOMETHING. I have the passion inside me that doesn’t seem to come equipped as standard equipment on all humans. Just in the simple web page that I’ve finally united to show both my personal work and my creative juices I’ve had comment after comment asking how I have the courage to write the way that I do. Make art on the subjects that I cover. It’s so natural to me. All of the things that others seem to think are so brave are the things that I have to scrunch inside myself so that it doesn’t come pouring forth at the board meetings.

That isn’t the way that I want to live. No sir.

But I have “responsibilities.” I’m not sure how I even have a conscious to know about such things, but I do. Can’t spend time wondering how or where it came from, it’s here now, so what do we do with it? I have two condos, all the crappy utilities, and phones, people who have expectations.

It used to be so easy to say, “Fuck it all.”

I think the reason that I’m so hesitant to do that again is because of the addiction thing. I have the ability to do everything TOO much. Way too much. Extremely too much. And I think that has spilled over into my responsible life. I’ve got too much.

Too much house. Too much stuff. Too much responsibility.

I don’t think, my daughter Mia would care one fluff if I decided to chuck it all and go into art. Live in a one-bedroom apartment. Work minimum wage.

But in a few years that may change. I was hoping that I could have something accomplished, and built and solidified by that time. I’m thinking that my best-laid plans can still run asunder due to no fault of my own.

I know what I am. I’m a passionate artist. So why am I making less and less art? My passion hasn’t gone anywhere

And there is this little tickle in the back of my head telling me that this is my opportunity to do something. Those if I choose to go back to the big brown box that is corpAm, that my passion and creativity may dissipate, wanes and turn into the drivel. I’ve seen people who stifle their natural talents and choose that safe road. I don’t want that to be the legacy I leave behind.

First day of Unemployment [011702}

1/17/2002 10:50:14 AM

So, today is the first day of my life that I’ve been not-voluntarily unemployed. Sort of a strange feeling to NOT being gainfully employed when I really need to be. And thus the Job Search begins. I told my daughter that we need to look for new work and she wanted to know if it was like Steve and Blue looking for clues. And I said, “Yes, it’s a lot like that.” So she said that she’s game to help in the search. If she finds any new work, she’ll let me know!

And she’s not so far off. This is quite a lot like a game and should be treated as such. I’m hoping that this journal will serve not only as an outlet but also as an organizational opportunity for me to keep structured and focused in the search.

…Wish me luck!

1/17/2002 10:54:41 AM

I just recorded a macro for a time stamp so that I can keep up with what I’ve done and when. How this will assist in my job search, I don’t know, but I’m anything that I can do to keep focused will help.

1/17/2002 10:58:13 AM

Need to write my follow up letter to Tulane University to see if they have made any decisions in their process and if I am still a candidate. Let’s do that now.

Mia’s 3rd Birthday – We went to Chuck E. Cheese a…

Mia’s 3rd Birthday – We went to Chuck E. Cheese and had pizza. Mia is adorable and very proud of being a “big grrrl” She is my delight.