Progress in the Process

Feeling a bit better today. A little more free from my sense of “impending doom” that haunts me. Mia is in the bathroom of the treehouse singing. That aone has the power to ie my spirits.

Worked with my sponsor today on my Step One and the begining of Step Two

Sunday, March 14 2004

“What is essential involves being able to transform the individual from within.” ~The Dalai Lama

Another thing that I know, and believe, but I’ve failed to realize it in a practical manner. I’m very, very afraid that all my intellectual acrobats have had very little affect on my emotional, core self. I will never, ever stop trying to get myself to believe in my inherent worthiness. I will work towards being able to stop my self-loathing & to learn to just “be”.

But, I fear that for all my trying, I will start being my own end, my own undoing.

Jaden is due on April 25^th, 2004. This means I am 35 weeks pregnant. I got pregnant by some crack dealer while I was trapped up last year. I think I know when it happened, but I’m not 100% sure. Maybe I’ll get around to those sordid details a litter later in this journal, when it fees right to do so. Right now I need NOT to relive the guild and shame of prior ways. Getting through this day is providing enough of a challenge.

I know that I’m doing the right thing by making an adoption plan for Jaden and I think the Ek’s will be a good family for him, but although I know it would be selfish for me to keep him to help keep me clean, but I’m very afraid that after I deliver I’ll find it (the emotions, the reality, the guilt and shame) overwhelming & I’ll use again.

The fact is, there is a huge part of me that want so to get high. A part that subscribes to the philosophy that 45 seconds of oblivion is worth risking “the machine” waking up. There is a part of me that believes that I am going to use again, so why wait? There is a part that believes that I’m never going to rise above and apart from being a dope fiend so why struggle against my pathetic destiny.

If it weren’t for Mia, I don’t think I could or would be able to resist. This world just isn’t all that captivating for me. But that is way too much responsibility and pressure to place on a little girl and I’m responsible for making peace with myself and my daemons. Next, I also have to be her guidepost and helper to forge her own pattern and destiny.

So I have to heal myself and help my daughter, which means I have to stick around, do my best, never give up hope and give myself a chance.

I will fight. Everyday I will fight to diffuse this ticking time-bomb inside me. I will believe that I can change; that I can win this fight; that I can be free.

Hurt, But Strong

Very hurt today, but strong in my position that I can get through it & grow and improve my position because of for ONCE, I fully realize that my mother is NOT a healthy or compassionate person. She is not a positive influence or rolemodel on me, my daughter or my recovery. I hurt because I want a mother that loves in a healthy manner. A mother that has unconditional positive regard for me and my family. I know more than I want. What I know is that I have to grow up and to change my expectations.