072504 Journal Entry

What seems the most natural, intuitive process provides alienation and obstacles? I am 33 and my search for the Path is ongoing. I find it, from time to time among the shards of the spheres which have shattered and been discarded.

The ongoing theme in my existence (I dare not say life, for this is rarely living) is “disposable”. I have felt expendable. Discarded. Desolate. I have the glimmer within.

The Destiny calls and for me…there is the Path. Always the Path.

From the moment I wake. I devote myself to the perfection of whatever Destiny pursues me.

I need to grow such that my spirit transcends so that there is no room for the disease. Too many mind. The disease need to flee its hostile environment. Make me a vessel for teaching, and growing and spirituality.

“Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who’ve already been there.”

In pursuit of the brief, fleeting moment…must learn to let it dissolve. Never return to the past. It is gone. If it ever existed at all. I feed it the marrow of my soul in pursuit of the perception. I feed it my life. And it always hungers for more. It never returns a thing. Let it go.

I do not pretend to understand the course of my life. I know only that I am grateful to have partaken of it

You never flanked me. Never held me up when I was crumbling. You only took. For that there is no honor in our exchange. No honor to your offering of hollow promises and pleas. You are the hollow and I can allow no more catering to you.

I weep for the memory of my noble expectation. That my love could transcend the emptiness. The petty and the surface dwelling beings that make up most of the world. I know only one thing. That love is the only energy with the ability to negate, dissolve, or otherwise change anything else. In our world it is so often squandered and yet, I’m unable to change. To believe in anything else. I suffer for my honor. I suffer because there is no other way. The only think I haven’t sold is my soul. And I seem to be the only one.

Reinforce my soul, please.

My soul needs to be strong to withstand the crushing force of the emptiness that surrounds it.

Acting Out

So I want to act out because I’m hurting (see last post) and I’m full of self-depreciating self-pity adn I feel so fucking alone and I saw a 3 month old baby at the last meeting and I felt so alone with the thought of Jaden and how fucked up last year was and how I’m so hurt and alone in my fight to dig my way out.

It’s fucked up. Seriously fucked up.

In the company of beasts

Some people just seem to have been born without a conscious.

Anger and Spite. What the hell is the timing with the G&J siamese-ghetto-twin thing? I’m trying to grow. I’m trying to heal. I’m trying to “do the right” things. But it’s lonely and tiring and fucking hard. I’m jealous that some people are able to shit in my face and then try to hug me like nothing is wrong.

Guess what. I am hurt. I am angry. I’m jealous, now of HIM, but of the relationship period. I am trying but I don’t understand why.

And I want to act out.

F R E E D O M

finally. I’ve received a little spark of freedom. I went to my meditation and yoga practice. When I got there my mind kept staying in “Garyspace” I had just sat down and had a conversation with him about pursuing DNA testing to determine the paternity of Jaden. I was all balled up and my mind kept returing to gary. I felt like he is a psychic vampire that I need to protect myself rom. He was 50 miles away and I was still letting him feed off my energy.

Gary & Joy are girlfriend and boyfriend…How quaint.

I’m having some feelings over this. What are they?

1. Betrayal
2. Lack of Self-Esteem
3. Lonely
4. Futile
5. Lacking
6. Fat
7. Ugly
8. Hollow
9. Tired

I don’t want gary to be able to feel joy, to get outside of himself. I dont’ want him having sex. I want him to suffer.

I’m feeling apart and less than. I’m feeling like I’ll never find a lover who “gets it.” A lover who can be themself while I continue my healing.

I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m angry. And I know all these feelings will pass. But right now, it feels like I’m wearing a thousand pound throat weight.

Scandals

Move away. Grow close. Be aware. Be wary. Pop goes the joy-weasel. Part of me wants to go down. Part of me wants to go down to their level and win by showing them how it’s done. But that part. That part of me is outdated and old-school and is not going to be right action. Right action is action which reduces suffering. Right action is what I make a daily commitment with.

So I write.
I write to identify what fucked up things lurk in my head.
I write these fucked up things that lurk in my head so I am aware of them.
My awareness of this fucked up things leads to a responsibility for my actions.
My awareness leads me to observe my feelings instead of acting on them.

1. I resent him ever getting pleasure anything.
2. I resent him continuing to exploit people.
3. I resen t him not changing.
4. I resent him not acknowledging what was done.
5. I resent him not being in jail.
6. I resent him not being without sex.
7. I resent him lying to me about the person he was “trying” to be.
8. I resent my consequences & him, still living at his momma’s house, his job, his girl, his car.
9. I resent him not acknowledging how much harm he did to me and my family.
10. I resent her “not getting it”. – Not seeing what he is. I resent them not being discrete. I resent …not the “disrespect”, but the self-absorption and last of compassion for others. For me, trying to do the next right thing and dealing with the wreckage of my past on so many layers and fronts.

Without dope I feel… What do I do with the pain? I identify my feelings. See if there are anythings that I can do to help. Realize that they are just feelings. Write. Make art. Make the object of my resentment a gift; my guardian angels.