The Brightest Lights

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins.
It always wins because it is everywhere.
It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, and in the kettle on the fire; it is under your chair and under your table and under the sheets on your bed. Walk in the midday sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

the wargate…by Wayne Barlowe. Yummy

the wargate…by Wayne Barlowe. Yummy 

Lucifer Rising…but not fast enough.

Lucifer Rising…but not fast enough. 

Old Scars

Got a message from someone I knew years ago. Gave me a chance to make an ammend to them for my prior behaviour. To say I am sorry for causing any suffering in their life by my unskillful action. I am not certain, but I sense much turmoil in the messages. Subtle sarcasam and hostility. I asked for clarification, because I don’t like to read into things. That’s not my job. My job is to ask them what they mean. So I did.

I have been thinking of my old behaviour from years past. Unskillful action which I thought was my only option. It caused so much pain. It was based in fear and isolation. I had a need to appear intelligent and superior, because I needed to keep everyone at arms length. It caused pain and it prevented me from making friends with myself, or anyone.

I’ve changed a lot. I know this, but others don’t. Others may remember what I was. It’s all they have to go on. Others, who have had an opportunity to see the change, sometimes think that I’m “conning” them. That I’m actually trying to lull them into a false sence of security, before I strike out with my former erratic, illogical behaviour.

**Sigh**

Karma. I’ll just keep working with an open heart to improve it.
Nameste, everyone. May my practice be of benefit not only to myself, but to everyone, everything, everywhere.

Pirates for Hire!!! Specializing in Mayhem and Ma…

Pirates for Hire!!! Specializing in Mayhem and Madness 

Lillith and the Love-er-ly Serpant Meow!!!

Lillith and the Love-er-ly Serpant Meow!!! 

Crazy Ominous Dreams

Ugh…Lately I’ve been having these vivid dreams. “Release the opposing distal vertebrae…”

Last night I went to a court date for some minor infraction and I end up being sentenced to death by lethal injection, right NOW!!! Mia was with me, Larry S. was there, some NA gossip-kids. The executions chamber was a stage set up in this open-air valley. I looked for some way to escape and saw a thick, tall forest in the distance, but from here to there on three sides were these thorny bushes, red and black that grew like bamboo shoots from the ground and I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to make it and that being shot in the back by guards while trying to escape was a more traumatic situation for Mia to watch, so I calmed myself down and went past the idea that any of this had reason or fairness to it, and I spent my last hour telling her how strong and special she is and how much joy I have experienced being able to be her mom. I explained how everything she knows and loves about her mom is NOT able to be contained in this old body, which shortly I’ll be leaving. When these people do what they do, I’ll be going out of my body and when I do a million, trillion, gazillion invisible points of light will come out of me. Some of them will slip deep into your heart so that you can always quiet yourself and meditate and feel what you love of your mother there, inside you. The rest I’ll send up to the shining moon to watch over you and give you a focal point. I won’t have a body to do my #1 job of keeping you safe, so can you take over that job for me? Can you keep your self safe? When you need a little extra, just quiet yourself and look up into the face of the moon and know that I love you, even though I’ve passed into the invisible spirit realm.
I told Mia to keep her heart open. To keep it open and feeling through all of life’s challenges and to never let it close down or get hard. You have immense magick in you, babygrrrl, just as you are. Don’t let life make you afraid, find friends, find sanga. Keep open. Lovingkindness, compassion, forgiveness. I am not my body, so never be harsh with what happens here. They don’t know what they do. I forgive them. I love you.
I ask Larry S. If he will be able to make sure that my Mia will be taken care of and well-loved and cherished and he says he will.
Then I get very call. I say to all that have make this event happen. The legal participants, the judge, the execution team, the manufacturers involved, every being that has touched or invested any of themselves to make this happen tonight. May you know kindness, may you know love. May you be free from suffering, may you know love. May you receive compassion, may you know love. May you awaken, and remain awake for the remainder of your being. I forgive you and I ask you not to do this, I love you. I love all of you. Especially you Mia. All my boundless love for you.
——————-
and with that, I was injected with the neurotoxin, the audience hemmed and hawed, my body was declared dead and I watched with sorrow and detatchment as everyone, including my daughter who was in a trauma-induced daze file out of the auditorium, back to their lives…
——————

this dream woke me up early this morning and I have been contemplating it’s images since then. Tears and snot flow out of my like water today.

June 11, 2005 – Trent doing what he does… NIN s…

June 11, 2005 – Trent doing what he does… NIN studio. NOLA

DharmaPunx #2 – Coney Island

Mia & her Dad go to Coney Island!!! – Mia adores getting to visit with her dad. On our second trip to NYC for my DharmaPunx DPP program she and her dad went to Coney Island. Yes, she has purple hair. She wanted to be “Lava Girl”.

The Path to Hell

From: The Bad Seed Date: May 31, 2005 10:42 AM The path to hell is much more fun than the path to enlightenment. Will cult leader join and save us before it is too late? Inquiring minds want to know.

—

From: chinagrrrl
Date: Jun 5, 2005 1:47 PM

Whoa? The path to hell? I thought I was already existing there, and trying to get out? Might you mean hedonism more so than hell? There is a paragraph in Tom Robbins book “Still Life With Woodpecker” which deals with nutritious food versus a Twinkie when compared to different encountered with sex. I don’t have to book anymore so I’ll have to paraphrase but it goes something like this;

Some sex is like whole food, nutritious, sound and encouraging to the body,
while other sex is akin to a Twinkie. Empty calories causing every taste bud to
carol in revelry, in ecstasy, simultaneously, while leaving vital nutrients from
the body.

When I never believed I’d survive to 20, I embraced and propagated the hedonistic lifestyle, heck, why not. Then I hit the late 20’s and said why am I such a vampire??? I leave everything dead, or a husk of what it used to be. I suck the beauty and vitality out of everything I encounter. And I felt it and it wasn’t worth the suffering it was causing others and me. I opened to become more than that leech, but it comes back to me frequently. People I’ve harmed return to my path, some with a vengeance. Ugh, I still don’t relish that part, but I always learn something from them, and it gives me a chance to say I’m sorry and that I’m changing. I’ve lived my entire existence in hell and never known it. Now that I’ve been afforded an opportunity to peek outside the hells, I want to sneak out the window into the Flow as often as possible. Even a breath of the Flow restores me even if most of my self is still submerged in the hell realms. Not feasting to stay a hungry ghost.