Two years later…feelings have not changed

This is a post that I pulled up from two years ago and I have to say my feelings haven’t wavered in the least since then. How did I ever find that overgrown boy so fascinating. Repulsive…

Monday, October 04, 2004

Note before bed
Went to see “Resident Evil:Apocolypse” tonight with Counselor Oif after a
few Jimmie’s Specials at the coffee hours. I hope I sleep tonight. Adrian missed
his flight (AGAIN) in Saturday and got in around 4:30 PM. To my observation his
interaction with Mia was minimal and he hid behind his cellphone and computer
screen the whole time. I do not enjoy his presence, but it’s not about me. Mia
claims it was a good weekend so we go with that. She deserves so much more
though. He was here for less than 24 hours. I would think that he would be able
to focus on her for that small amount of time. Why did he even bother to
come?I’m personally disgusted at myself for ever finding myself so hopelessly in
love with him, those many years ago. He was an arrogent, petty, manipulative and
exploitive sociopath then, and continues to be. I certainly did love him
though…in my own sick way I did love him. Now, he turns my
stomache.Night…Miss You Jaden.

Bad People

When people want to know why I stay so close to my 7 year old daughter, declining most baby sitters and not wanting to leave her in the care of others, it’s because I know, for a fact and from experience that people like this exist, and I would be thrilled if my daughter never has to know that such bad people are out there.

Angels and Demons

Wow! Lately I’ve really been in the thick of things. Something. I can’t even describe it. You see, I’m a mage. Been practicing actively since 15 when I forged my first athame from an antique file from my great-grandfathers lock shop. First it was simple pagan practice of observing the solstices and equinoxes and making my magickal tools. From there I fell in with some chaos magicians as the IOT was coming to the forefront.

I personally think that chaos magick is good for those in high school and university, because we are such bubbling masses of uncertainty and hormones that we embody our own little patch of dark-matter. Whirling and moving without conscious thought but creating such ripples with our patterns.

Then I tried to get a little order into my life by studying with the “pointy hat mages” of the OTO. I came at that from a Egyptian slant and felt resonance when I worked with Nebet-Het (Neyphthes). Then…from that…I found her consort, Set. Ah yes, I’ve always been on the left-hand path (as would be reasonable from someone who’s comes from 6 generations (at least) of left-handed women). The ” dark side” is always what felt like home to me.

It was at this time that I began my kabalistic studies too…and once introduced to däath and the qlippoth I began a wonderful decade of playing chutes-and-ladders from däath to the qlippothic spheres…and pathways. I learned many things, but one very important thing. In a divided realm, each side must have it’s balance. Most beings on this side of the glass aren’t even aware of the qlippoth, or its inhabitants. Those that are tend to dismiss it as “untouchable” and not to be meddled with. As someone who has done some extensive work not just on the qlippoth, but in the qlippoth, I’ve learned much about the “disposables” of our metaverse. The throw-aways, brokens and disowned. But they are there. And although they lack many of our sophisticated table-manners, because they haven’t been invited to many dinner parties, they are over there and they do serve as the counter-balance to this world.

My Will, has always been revolving around ascension, which is weird for a sinistrati to want to resolve the difference. Most LHP practitioners want to promote their own version of reality and to expound upon it. And don’t get me wrong…I can use all the LHP tactics needed to achieve my Will. But lately I haven’t been. For over four years I have been a Setian who has a Metta practice. I “dark mage” who studies the dharma and has found that loving-kindness and compassion are some of the most powerful magicks I’ve ever encountered.

And then the damn angels started visiting me. It started about a year ago. Twin columns of light and energy that when I squinted I could perceive a type of face and body structure, much bigger than me. It resonated with a sound like an electric seashell held up to my ear, but BIGGER. It was a sound that wasn’t heard from the outside, but if they got close enough to sort of envelop me in the brightness, I could only hear that hum and hiss and reverberation. I felt it in the middle of your chest and it shook me. And along with the angels, Sophia has some stuff that she needed to tell me. Sophia…I still don’t think I really get who she is, or what HER Will is…but she’s patient. If anything, Sophia is patient. Probably serves as the counter-balance from when she was young and she rushed into something she shouldn’t have. Still paying for that, aren’t we Sophia?

So these two beings that I called Angelics started visiting me around 11PM at night. Not every night, but a few times each week. There was a problem…I couldn’t understand a thing they were saying. They were “speaking ” a language I didn’t know, but I knew enough to realize that it was a language that someone I know knew. It was Enochian. It took me a few days but “when you are doing your true Will, you will have the Force of the Universe behind you” and all of a sudden *pop* up comes this person on an internet chat service.

So I got to pick their brain and he recommended a month-long practice so that I could become familiar with them and the language. So I did it and I have to say that Enochian is a pain in the ass with all the preparation needed for the practice, but WOW, it is some reliable and effective magick. It’s like having a direct line of communication with these beings who are outside of time. That comes in handy from time to time.

Now me…I’m trying to prepare for a Goetic work. Me, I love evocation. I love visibly evoking Parfaxitas. Yummy. I’m a LHP mage and I’m GOOD at evocation. So I’m all wanting to work through the Goetic and bind me some of those ole’ King Solomon demons to do some of my manual labor and bring me riches. But this Enochian thing is morphing and I’m finding that I have ANOTHER task on the side of light.

So this is what the dilemma is. I fully and unapologetically have bound myself inextricably to my Will. My Will has something to do with being an Abraxas gate, which I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know what that entails or why it is necessary. All I know is that it is my job to DO MY WILL and hold open a potential for a future occurrence. I also know that there is something in my being that yearns for ascension. To keep pulling back the layers, again and again while my eyes run fluid from the stinging truths until I am the Source. There’s a Setian for you. I don’t discover the Source. I become it! But the hitch is that in the ascension plan…so do you. So do we all. We first discover and awaken the Divine spark within ourselves and commit to enhancing it. Then we see division, aggression and confusion everywhere and it causes us suffering. Then we commit to open our hearts in the suffering and it changes us from avoidant beings, to being in the Flow. From there…the connections extend and we weave ourselves into everything else. I am you and you are me and we are all God and finally the Source is whole again. There is no longer any division.

One of my favorite lessons from the angelics, was from Samael who told me “What could an infinite being sacrifice to prove it’s belief in us, it’s creations? I didn’t know…but then I did. It could sacrifice it’s infiniteness. You see, the Source believed that we would all find our way again, so it sacrificed it’s own divine nature and a tiny spark was sent out into each of the created. Each of every living thing. And until all the sparks are gathered up together again as one, we are lost and there really is no God.

But I digress…this missive is about my own internal conflict. You see, sometimes I feel the reptile in me, who has been rather patient as I discovered my own internal balance. I feel the slits of her eyes and the cool way the scales undulate upon each other. At the same time I feel wings under my scapula, wanting to burst forth. It is my opinion that my own precarious balance between the many worlds and my ability to let loose my mental hinges, coupled with my natural give for calling forth the beings in evocation made me a target for the angelics to work through. And I feel a sense of duty for the wisdom I’ve gathered as a result of these workings.

But still my darkchilde churns and wonders when it is her turn again?
And I’ve gotten to the point I don’t know what side I’m on anyways.

Story of the Day – Soccer

Here’s the Story of the Day: Soccer What are the rules? I said & he said you run & you run & you run until you fall over. There’s a couple others in there for variety, he added, but that’s the main one. (When you don’t want the Story of the Day any more, just send us an email at no_more@storypeople.com. Type “Unsubscribe” in the Subject & as soon as we can, we’ll stop them from cluttering your inbox…) Please do not reply to this message. If you have any other questions or comments about our web site or how to order, here’s how to get hold of us: The email address that goes right to the people who can help is: comments@storypeople.com

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New Look

In trying to FIX my template for “Words to the Abyss” I completely BROKE the template. So, until I get some time to REALLY sit down and noodle up the settings for my unique template, I’m going back to the stock template design! Trust me…it’s better this way.

~China

Funny Rules from a fellow Wand Carver

Rules for Silly Wand Waving

http://www.whiteshouse.org/wands.htm

1. Never run with your wand.
There is a chance that if you should fall, the wand will break and might poke you with a sharp broken piece.

2. When casting spells or charms, keep the tip of your wand at least 3 feet away from the face of anyone else. As Hermione says, “You might take someone’s eye out.”

3. Saying the magic words properly is very important,
– never forget Wizard Baruffio, who said ‘S‘ instead of ‘F‘ and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest.

4. Do not torment the dog or any other living creature with your wand.
Every living thing has its own kind of “magic” and it could backfire on you.

5. No silly wand waving.
Remember, that without you, the wand is just a bit of wood. The magic comes from you, and waving the wand harder or faster won’t make any difference.

6. Keep your wand clean and polished.
A light coat of lemon oil furniture polish is recommended. Let it soak for 10 minutes, then buff with a clean paper towel. This should be done about once a month.
In the case of a Holly wand, clear woodwind bore oil is recommended, as lemon oil will turn it yellow! A small bottle can be purchased at any musical instrument store.

Hand tools vs. power tools

Last night after dinner and before my daughters bedtime I was conducting some wand carving experiments. I’ve been making wands for about two years now and I’m at that point where I’m about to go to the next level, but I’m not sure I want do. I’m so GOOD at this level, and the next one I’ll be just a novice again. (Always a novice aren’t we, no matter how fine our skill level ascends to.) I always use natural wood for wands, but in the spirit of experimenting I grabbed some hardwood dowels from the craft store and started working with them. I have hand carving tools, not the best, but not the worst either, and I have a Dremel hand tool. I was using my hand tools and I was thinking about how much easier it is to use the Dremel. It’s true. I can make a dozen wands if I use the power tool, in the time I make one truly handmade wand.

But something happens when I take a power tool to a magickal item. There is a certain amount of “distancing” that happens when the tool touches the wood and not my hands. I lose touch with the item, and that is never good when I am crafting a magickal tool. I literally put my blood, sweat and tears into my own personal magickal tools and unless I’m gloved up, I’ll put it into any other magickal item as well!

Speed is NOT the goal when crafting magickal items. My energy and Will needs to transfer into the item and that can only happen under the trickle effect.

thankful

Thanksgiving.

Giving of thanks. For me…this happens less on the prescribed day and more a little over each and every day. I’ve been graced with enough turmoil and tragedy in my life that I see beauty and benefit in the little things. Having enough. Being able to take care of my child and enjoy…truly enjoy being with her. The time I spend with her is my version of heaven! Sure, she and I get on each others nerves from time to time…I’m sure that is true of all close people. But every time I look at her with active, open eyes I am overjoyed. Sometimes it is the thought of her growing up and realizing that some day my mothering job will go from full-time to part-time and I realize how much I’ll miss these days. So, I make sure I realize how magickal it is to parent a little being from just a bean to a full-grown stalk.

I give thanks for the two kittens who have found their way into our house and for the privilege of taking care of them. They are wild and full of chaos and the wreck the house on a daily basis and I swear I’ve never emptied the litter-box quite as much as I have these past two months. I’m thankful for my cat familiar, Griffin, who turns ten this year. I remember when he was a chaos-kitten, fitting into the palm of my hand. Now his head is bigger than that. He’s not really a cat, as anyone who has met him can attest. He has seven toes on his front feet, six on each back foot. He will fetch little poof-balls and tends to be a mother hen to the new little ones. He holds them down and licks them clean. At night he stands watch no the pillow next to me, making sure my house is safe and secure.

I give thanks to my mom, who recently has come around to helping me some when someone in my family is sick. She’s been very supportive of my efforts and less judgmental in my being just a little left of center. And I think she’s finally gotten past thinking that my wearing of black is a phase that I’ll grow out of.

For friends who have been there, through thick and thin and who know that my trials are just a part of my Path. Those who feel confident that no matter how far away…how long I stay, whatever words I say…that I will always love you.

I’m thankful that no one can hold anything against me because I’ve done my time in Hell and clawed my bloody way back, hand over mother fucking hand. And I’ve tempered the steel and burned away the dross. I am what I am and I’m clean and pure. And I pity the fool who tries to test that with me.

I’m thankful for my dharma teacher and my studies. I’m thankful that I’ve learned that loving-kindness and compassion are two wings on the bird. More of one and less of the other will not serve that bird well. Equal amounts are needed. I’m thankful for Metta and I’m very thankful for Tonglen for showing me that I can feel the ugly and overwhelming feelings and they have no need to “make” me respond at all, or in any negative fashion. I’m thankful for learning that ugly people will be ugly and selfish people will be selfish and why would I ever think otherwise. I can include those ugly and selfish people, who strike and emotional chord in me, in my Metta practice and ask that they get what they need and that they be free from suffering and that they….A W A K E N.

I’m thankful that my awakening has begun. I’m thankful that it is continuing. I’m thankful that I’m mindful of the gifts that I’m experiencing as a result of being awake.

Thank you for being you. Who ever you are.

Dessert Sushi!

Whoo whee…Hidden amongst my daily RSS feeds that I peruse in my downtime at work. (What? Down time at work? You lazy, sloth-like being…why not RE-alphabetize your files, sort the various label sizes in the copy room? Down time!!! Bollocks!) I located a wonderful article on dessert sushi! Yes…dessert sushi, and it’s not as gross as you think!

Story of the Day – Tolerance

Here’s the Story of the Day: Tolerance Do you ever listen to me? she said & I said I did but sometimes it took a couple of days to sort it out in a way that didn’t make me want to murder her in her sleep. When you don’t want the Story of the Day any more, just send us an email at no_more@storypeople.com. Type “Unsubscribe” in the Subject & as soon as we can, we’ll stop them from cluttering your inbox…) Please do not reply to this message. If you have any other questions or comments about our web site or how to order, here’s how to get hold of us: The email address that goes right to the people who can help is: comments@storypeople.com

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