Due Date for my First Child

Today is the due date for my first childe. The child that on March 6

of this year I decided to abort. I didn’t even remember that this was

the day really. I did. But far back in my head. I didn’t break down

and cry. I held my baby bear so tightly last night and kissed it,

telling it that I loved it. I still do love you. But I know that

what I did was right. At the thyme there was no other way. I know

that I have changed. I don’t think about children all that much

anymore. Hardly at all. I think of work and travel and success. I

see children now in the distance instead of having them young. And

for Joe. I don’t know. I don’t know if that is going to work. We

aren’t seeing each other but we talk alot and still occasionaly have

sex together. He go very messed up with drugs and excuses and the

sorts. I am just different. My body was going to have a childe and I

intervened. My mind has absorbed and adapted. I am colder and dis

tant and more introverted…but I still love the childe and I still

cry. Alone and silently, but I still often cry for its loss.

Furie (?) – October 1992

Getting closer now. As always the technology makes it easier for us to correspond. There are the ancients and the neophytes that are potential ancients. Feel the veins of the power that lies within us all. Feel the weight of the amnesia and the doubt that is to eradicate the memories of the genius for the sake of the mass. The more that I experience the more that I realize that the power lies there. It often needs a nudge or a whisper to make it believe in itself. But it is there. But there is always the travels in dreams. Those highways and mirrors that are my blessing and my vice. To see and not be heard. To direct is fascinating and pleasing, but to know that you are sensed and ignored is frustrating. Do you need the Mandrake again? Must I force you to see it?

Will you come to you sense soon or shall I let it all go by? Many questions I have and sorrow I feel for becoming attached. They told us not to. They told us that the price of extension is to watch our loved ones grow old around us and die. So we remove ourselves from the lives of those we love and are content to watch from a distance their pains, successes, trials and loves. We watch you fall in love, although you promised that you never would. We knew that you wouldn’t last. We see and are happy for you. We know you wouldn’t understand. You would want to become and we can’t do that to you. But still we feel the same mortal feelings. Surprise is gone. But still we feel.

“When I dream, you dream about me.” How many have you been. You that occupy my mind and my thoughts and my dreams? How many thymes have I felt this way. “The mind is a labyrinth…secrets still secret.” As many thymes as you read into my journals you never read into my mind. You missed the essential part. That Furie is what you
should look at. Your ego can eradicate your power. Galion is not ancient. He is a protector. He has power, but not like yours. You must submit to your weaknesses and gestalt with them before you can integrate your power. It is there for you, I can help you. You must find your own way.
Belief in those that only speculate. Deep inside there is a feeling that can’t be denied. A force that will drive you to your place. To a place that is home to you. A home for the homeless. A sanctuary for the forgotten ones. A dream come true. I must go now to my land. My place of reason and peace. I leave this place thankfully. It is strange and I know that what I do here is destined, but I look forward to my calling. To my quest back to the homeland and to my loves.
October 22, 1992

Letter to Beth H. (now Leela) – Fall 1992

Letter to Beth H. (now Leela)

I know that I haven’t been a good friend lately and I don’t have it in me right now. Survival. I know that you don’t agree with a lot of my tactics, that is fine. You aren’t me. My head is now in a very strange mode. It is trying very hard to walk a very cold and dark path alone. I am doing this because I see a light down at the end of the path. A light I would like to know more about. I am too occupied with several zillion trivial things that I have zero thyme left for me. But this self-deprivation has provided me with a new twist in awareness. Possible delusional, but perhaps now. I’d like to find out.

Yes my mother has been getting to me. Yes, a lot. I don’t see her hardly at all. I am very forthright with her and dealing with it in a positive manner. It is very difficult. I come home so late and leave so early that I hardly see her. Things will be better when I am able to leave this place. But that is not the best option at the moment.

School is going well. Kind of dull and all. My classes are pretty stupid. Not challenging. But I am doing well and am looking forward to next semester.

Beth, I am going to get through school. By any means necessary. I am going to stay in and make the most of this experience. Nothing and no one is going to get in my way. I am so thankful for this one sort of stability in my life. One thread of something that I can count on.

Now the men scene. Joe…yuck. We tried talking. That was fine until he realized I was seeing other people. Then he was Mr. Possessive. I have gotten a little better at boundary issues.
Bryan. I like him a lot. He is so beautiful. So intelligent. SO spiritual. He has a lot of anger though. There is a lot between us right now. It is so strange but I like it a low.

Again I apologize for not being able to give to others as much as i would like to. I am in “energy saver” mode. I’m just trying not to shut down or short circuit. Hopefully things will change. But until this please bear with me. I know that what I’m doing is best for me. Right now. I love you and I care, but my mind has so many things in it right mow with a big URGENT stamp on them that I can’t show it very well.

As always in dreams…