Letter to Beth H. (now Leela) – Fall 1992

Letter to Beth H. (now Leela)

I know that I haven’t been a good friend lately and I don’t have it in me right now. Survival. I know that you don’t agree with a lot of my tactics, that is fine. You aren’t me. My head is now in a very strange mode. It is trying very hard to walk a very cold and dark path alone. I am doing this because I see a light down at the end of the path. A light I would like to know more about. I am too occupied with several zillion trivial things that I have zero thyme left for me. But this self-deprivation has provided me with a new twist in awareness. Possible delusional, but perhaps now. I’d like to find out.

Yes my mother has been getting to me. Yes, a lot. I don’t see her hardly at all. I am very forthright with her and dealing with it in a positive manner. It is very difficult. I come home so late and leave so early that I hardly see her. Things will be better when I am able to leave this place. But that is not the best option at the moment.

School is going well. Kind of dull and all. My classes are pretty stupid. Not challenging. But I am doing well and am looking forward to next semester.

Beth, I am going to get through school. By any means necessary. I am going to stay in and make the most of this experience. Nothing and no one is going to get in my way. I am so thankful for this one sort of stability in my life. One thread of something that I can count on.

Now the men scene. Joe…yuck. We tried talking. That was fine until he realized I was seeing other people. Then he was Mr. Possessive. I have gotten a little better at boundary issues.
Bryan. I like him a lot. He is so beautiful. So intelligent. SO spiritual. He has a lot of anger though. There is a lot between us right now. It is so strange but I like it a low.

Again I apologize for not being able to give to others as much as i would like to. I am in “energy saver” mode. I’m just trying not to shut down or short circuit. Hopefully things will change. But until this please bear with me. I know that what I’m doing is best for me. Right now. I love you and I care, but my mind has so many things in it right mow with a big URGENT stamp on them that I can’t show it very well.

As always in dreams…